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e_lizard_beth [userpic]

Self harm

July 17th, 2009 (08:16 pm)

One of the recent jobs I've been given at work is to produce a spreadsheet showing names, phone numbers and web sites for a load of organisations that give help and advice. One of these is SANE.

Recently Sane did a study on self harm, and the reasons behind it. I self-harm and have done so since I was small, so I checked out the short version of the report.

I read one line - just one line, and it hit me in the gut. I couldn't read any more as it shocked me to the core to know that someone knew that about me. I'm planning on going back and reading the article further. But on reflection it's nice that there is someone out there who does know that, and yet doesn't judge me for it.

I hope this report will be a good thing - that it will open people's eyes as to why people self harm, but I also hope it will lessen the judgement, and we will not end up with a whole load of 'experts' who know why you self harm as they've read the report.

Report can be found at http://www.sane.org.uk/Research/SelfHarmIntro

e_lizard_beth [userpic]

Schrodinger v. cats - the cats win.

November 22nd, 2008 (06:17 pm)

Many people know that Schrodinger did an experiment involving placing a cat in a box with a vial of poison. The vial would be broken if a particular atom decayed, and wouldn't be if it didn't. After the half life of the atom (the point where it had a 50% chance of having decayed or not) he stated that the cat was both dead *and* alive, and it was only when you opened the box that the actual state of the cat collapsed into either being dead or being alive.

Well, ok. He didn't actually do this with a cat, but those of you who have cats know that they can make a big thing out of stuff. In our house it appears that we have cats which were close to Schrodinger 's one. They've taken his principle and used it to make my life harder.

I'm sure you know that cats buzz you when they want feeding. And when you are feeding them, they seem to be everywhere. Well - our cats have taken it to a new level. I try and lift a foot, and there appears to be something underneath it. Of course, I could be wrong. So I look down. I swear I can see a slight blurring round the outline of where the cat actually is. It appears that unless I'm looking down at the cat, it is both under, and not under, my feet. If I put my foot down first, or look down, then the cat's state collapses, but I swear that out of the corner of my eye I sometimes see two versions of each of the cats.

e_lizard_beth [userpic]

Life is crap

October 20th, 2008 (10:25 pm)

I’m in pain atm. In a number of different types of pain actually.

My mother fell over and broke her arm. She needed surgery and currently has a piece of metal in her arm keeping it together. She is in a lot of pain, the morphine she’s on isn’t actually doing any good, and she’s finding it hard to cope. As a side-effect she's constipated.

My dad recently had open-heart surgery. The operation was a complete success, and he’s looking better than he has done for years, but come on - open heart surgery!

My husband has a lot of work to do, and today wasn’t exactly the best day for it.

The reason today wasn’t fantastic – I woke up blind in one eye. It passed, but it scared me shitless. I woke up and was unable to see the difference between light and dark at all. Total blackness. Nothing there.

I’ve gone to the doctors, twice, and optician, once, and I’ll be referred to a specialist because there’s something wrong in my field of vision in my left eye – the one that was blind.

Meanwhile one of our new cats (Faith) has decided that the best place to use as a litter tray is the cabling behind our television. My husband now has to clean this out – and it’s not that easy. We will then be installing the area with tin-foil. Apparently they don't like to go on tinfoil. I must say I wouldn't.

The reason I’m not helping my husband, well, apart from waking up partially sighted (yes I’m freaked out about that – wouldn’t you be), is that my leg just caused me a severe cramp and I may not be able to walk on it tomorrow – supposing that I can see tomorrow that is.

Meanwhile I’ve got to get back to my therapist to deal with the whole emotional pain I’ve got because some bastard of a teacher decided that he needed me in the toilet with him when he decided to jack off. I was about 5 at the time.

So, tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be a lot better than today, meanwhile I’m here feeling crap because I can’t help my husband clear up the crap, because I was crapped on when I was at school, in the crapper, and that my mother has a side effect from the morphine which means her insides are so bunged up she can’t crap.

Sums it all up in a word, doesn’t it

e_lizard_beth [userpic]

Food glorious food

June 25th, 2008 (11:52 pm)

Slimming world has been interesting this last month. Mainly because I've not been sticking to the diet, rather trying to swerve from one disaster to the next.

I've had exams, a cancelled tattoo appointment, a work appraisal meeting, a cranky theozzardofwiz, and probably a low-level virus thingy as well.  Total result - gained 4 pounds since I joined.

Well, it's time to turn over a new leaf, preferably not lettuce.

Today has been a good day. I woke and had weetabix, sugar (2.5 syns) and milk, skipped lunch (I was at work) and had some couscous when I got home around 2-ish. Then I grabbed some fruit from the freezer and snacked on that till Ozzard came home. Dinner was a quorn sausage casserole

I went shopping, and rather wait till I got home to grab a Hi-Fi bar I got 1 large matchemaker cookie from Asda (I'm assuming something like 15 syns). I then had the Hi-Fi bar when I got home anyway.

Total syns for today, 21 1/2 (ouch). Well, I'll do better tomorrow (provided I can get Ozzard to take the cookies left in the pack to work with him.)

e_lizard_beth [userpic]

How much do you think you are worth?

June 21st, 2008 (12:24 am)

current location: Manchester
current mood: crappy

A few days ago I saw a link from thalinoviel on how much is your cadaver worth. I ended up at about the $5k. This, I thought, was a suitable introduction to my consideration of my own worth, and how it needs to change.

I'm going to refer to some stuff which I blogged on a different site (actually blogging on that site, where I knew no-one would read it, helped me be honest). The two things I'm going to refer to are the fact that I was sexually abused at my first school, and how that affected the rest of my school life. Because of those two, I've been in counselling most of my life. Some good, some bad. The one person who spent 15 minutes showing me a video clip from a website for something she thought I should try is probably the one person I'm not going back to. I spend my money on counselling to have them listen to me, not the other way round.

I've also been using CBT, which is a great technique for dealing with issues in the past. This bases itself on the fact that many people process their thoughts incorrectly. For example, I recently did an exam. I know I did really well on the first part of the exam (60% of the marks). The second part was pick 2 questions and get 20% per question. I fluffed the first question I tried, and ended up having to do 2 different questions in about 50 minutes (instead of 35 per question and then 15 for checking). I came out of the exam convinced I'd failed, and would need to re-sit; simply because I blew 1 question. I managed to answer 1 other completely, and got 15% of the final one. However, because I'd made 1 mistake I was willing to believe that I'd failed.  This is a classic case of a bad thought pattern.

The way CBT works is firstly to identify the bad thought patterns, then to challenge them. In order to challenge them you have to come up with a justification as to why the thought pattern you are putting in place is more accurate. In the case above, I'd managed to do all the first part, and 1 and 3/4 of the 2 questions in the second part. I hadn't blown the exam at all, and in fact done more than enough to pass, and possibly enough to get a distinction (I'll let you know later).

All this is great. You feel crap - you find the bad thought - you identify the flaw in the reasoning and put in a good thought which points out the flaw and makes you feel great. There is only one thing wrong with this process - what happens if there is no good thought to put in place?

Given my past, I really do have this belief that underneath it all, I'm totally worthless, and only exist to allow other people to bully or abuse me. No, I'm not overreacting here - that is basically how I feel. Read the two posts mentioned above to have a vague insight into what happened to me in my formative years, and you'll see there what gave me this belief. So, how can I, if I really do believe that I'm worthless, create a basis on which to build self-esteem?

theozzardofwiz asked me what I based my worth on (that actually was the line of thought which brought all this crap out). On thinking about it I can see some things I do base my worth on.

1) What things I can create. I'm an avid cross-stitcher, I also knit lace (I'm in the middle of a 1ply lace shawl) and do bobbin lace as well.

2) How much money people are willing to spend on me/let me spend. When I was earning a lot of money, I tended to feel better about my self than now (although now I have a better insight into my condition - for those who don't know, as well as being sexually and physically abused as a child - these probably caused me to develop bi-polar depression.)

That's all I can think of at the moment.

I'm also made me really distrustful of other people. If I tend to behave rather reticent towards you, it's not that I don't like you, I don't trust you. As far as I believe, you could just be trying to get me to like you so that you can then hurt me and laugh about it to all your friends. I'm sorry if this upsets you, but that is my honest reason for not trying to be likable. In the past I have had people do this to me. I even had the three people who I counted as friends throw itching powder down my back on the penultimate day of term. Did you know that itching powder will start to sting if you don't wash it off.

So, I'm now stuck here, 1am in the morning, pissed off at my life, and wondering how in the hell I'm going to get to a point where I can consider it worthwhile to get up in the morning. I do it anyway - I pretend normality, I play along with the others because if I can remain a face in the crowd, if I don't stand out, then I don't get dumped on. The problem is, well not so much problem, more possiblity. The possibility is that I'm a stubborn cow, and if I put my face to it, I'll not back down, I'll find that brick wall and run into it again and again until it falls down.

This morning I was planning to go and have a tattoo done. I've never had one before, but it was a way for me to say "fuck you" to my past. I had been pushed into this "I have to be a good girl" by the whole bullying and abuse stuff, I was going to rebel.  I say was, because just as I was getting dressed, the tattoo studio called to say the tattooist was ill and could they re-schedule... to August. I was totally ready to turn up, bear my arm, and say "let's do this. Sod the pain, give me that piece of unique artwork to last me the rest of my life." only to have my thunder not only stolen, but removed to an entirely different month.

Now, however, I'm staring at this whole lump of total crap that I'm going to have to go through - to look at in counselling, work out how to get rid of the bad bits, and put in place a foundation of worth in my life. It's looking like it's going to be a long, hard road. So I'm on the loo (I do a lot of thinking on the loo), and this just stares me in the face, and the cow part of me starts to rise. <Moo> I look at the road ahead, I see the amount of time and money I'll have to put into this, the amount of effort needed, and a part of me says "Ok, let's do this. Sod the pain..."

Well, perhaps there is hope for me yet

e_lizard_beth [userpic]

Never say never

June 16th, 2008 (06:39 pm)

current location: Manchester
current mood: Upset and gleeful. Go figure

After jumping ship, so to say. I've come to the realisation that pouring my heart out in a blog that no-one reads, while being cathartic, it also feels lonely. So I'm going to post some of the stuff here.

Be warned, I'm going to be totally honest about my life, warts and all. I'm probably not going to post anything as private, because I'd like other people not on my friends list to feel free to make comments.

I will pass posts through theozzardofwiz to make sure he's ok with them going up (some of them refer to him), but apart from that I'm going to post stuff from blogger to here, and then see where I go from there.

e_lizard_beth [userpic]

Livejournal and Ads

June 7th, 2008 (07:53 pm)

For those people who do actually read my blog, I've started a new one on the Blogger service. http://learning2liveandlove.blogspot.com/
I don't like the way Livejournal has changed it's mind about ads, and I don't like the fact that I have to pay to ensure thay you don't get hit by Google ads.

Feel free to jump to and read my blog there, or not, as you see fit.

e_lizard_beth [userpic]

Hairballs - eugh

June 5th, 2008 (05:20 pm)

current location: Urmston (no really, I'm in Urmston)
current mood: Eugh

We were in bed last night, and just relaxing with each other. For some reason the subject of chest hair came up. I suggested I would feed theozzardofwiz some of his own hair after pulling it from his chest. His response - one word - "hairballs".

I felt that this level of eugh had to be shared.

e_lizard_beth [userpic]

Indiana Jones and the money spinning sequel?

May 23rd, 2008 (10:36 pm)

current mood: tired

Just come back from the flicks. I have only one thing to say - great adventure, crap story. Perhaps a bit too much Erich von Däniken for me.

But then, this is Spielberg and Lucas we are talking about.

Food wise, I've had a pretty good day. JP and beans for lunch, along with some branston. Then I did a cheat's frittata,

Take a can of sliced carrots, a can of sliced beans, a can of sliced mushrooms (feel free to swap in different cans here). One large can of potatoes, or some you have left over from a previous day. Slice two onions roughly and fry in 1 tbsp olive oil. Add the veg and warm through. Take some eggs - the number really depends on the size of your frying pan, and the frittata required. I used 8 (I have a big frying pan).

Heat on the hob for about 10-12 minutes, till most of the egg is set. You can stir things around at this point if you want.

Move it to under a hot grill to cook the remaining of the egg - serve either hot or cold.

Total time to cook, 15-20 mins, total time to prepare 10 mins max. Total brain power required - zero.

Tomorrow is, as they say, another day, so I'll see if I'm in the mood to post what I ate then then.

e_lizard_beth [userpic]

Back to slimming world (again)

May 22nd, 2008 (10:02 pm)

current mood: full

So I've gone back to Slimming World, and this time smescrater has joined. He has been trying Weight Watchers, which I still think is a sadistic method which rewards your success by saying you can now eat less. Slimming world is more subtle. It skews your eating towards foods which fill you up more for longer. Jacket potatoes and baked beans till it comes out of your ears (on a green day).

Smes was rather amazed at the range of food he could eat. When told he could have bread he was amazed. A glass of wine a day is no problem, but it was when Kay, our slimming world consultant, showed off her trifle that she had made (I'll try and post the recipe at some point) and was told that the entire trifle was only 3 syns that I got my quote of the session from him. "You're doing my melon in."

So yesterday I kept to the plan, and also did the washing up (this is a big thing in our house, not me doing it - the washing up itself. It can pile up for weeks at a time.) This gave me the energy to cook today, with a lot of help from theozzardofwiz of course.

So, today's tea was stuffed marrow.

Take 1 large marrow. Cut it into fourths, and remove the centre bits from each fourth, to make rings of marrow. Bring a pan of water to the boil and cook them for about 6 minutes each (I needed to do them in 2 batches).

Make a savoury mince using quorn. Chop 2 onions finely, heat 1tbps olive oil (6 syns) in a pan and fry the onions for a few minutes. Take some sliced mushrooms and put them in, cover the pan and sweat for about 5 minutes. Pour in a box of quorn mince, and some stock made with bovril, some trimmings from the thyme plant (or other herb of choice), enough water to give it some moisture, and cook for 15-20 mins to cook the quorn through.

Grate 2oz cheese (2 A healthy options).

To prepare, Take a baking sheet, stand the marrow circles up on it, spoon the mince mixture into the holes, places the grated cheese on the top. Put into a medium oven and cook for 15-20 mins (to heat everything through, and nicely melt the cheese).

Serve (in this case with baby sweetcorn, beans and potatoes. This will serve 4 people easily, or 2 very hungry people (which I did).

Total values for the whole meal - 6 syns and 2 Healthy Extra A or B (or another 12 syns). So if you're serving 4, that's a total of 4.5 points for 4 people, or 3 points and 1 healthy extra for 2.Picture of mealHere's a picture, and for scale, that's a normal sized fork in it.

Picture of the meal

I'm full now. Which is a problem. I've planned to have some cheese on toast for a late supper snack, and I don't think I could put any more food down me tonight.

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